The world is a pretty chaotic place. Learning to stay calm, relaxed and alert, especially under stress, is one of the best skills a person can learn in order to thrive in a complex, changing environment. I offer therapy in Hamilton, Ontario, to a wide range of people from all walks of life–and every single client I work with wants to learn how to stay calm.

Some people seem effortlessly calm; they might even say about themselves “I’m just a relaxed person” or “I’ve always been this way”. This can be discouraging to hear if you are a person who tends more towards anxiety or stress. But the truth is that calm states can be learned. Effortlessly calm people are usually folks who have learned to be calm from such a young age that they don’t even remember it.

So, what is calm? And how do we learn to feel it?

In body-based or somatic therapies, we use the language of regulation to talk about calm. People describe it as relaxed, open, curious and attentive; a feeling state that helps them make good decisions, be creative, connect well with other people and generally have a good time. If your nervous system is in a well-balanced state, and you’re not flooded with stress hormones, we call that “regulation”. Think of the last time you felt very connected to a friend, or had a good laugh, or simply had a quiet and relaxing morning at home.

If you’re stressed about a meeting, someone cuts you off in traffic, you had a fight with your teenage kid, and you find yourself feeling overwhelmed and annoyed at the slightest thing–that’s “dysregulation”. This is what happens when your system generates a bunch of adrenaline in order to help you deal with a threat.

Mammals are always trying to find regulation, because our bodies work better when we’re regulated. We think better, we breathe better, and our bodies rest properly. As infants and as children, one of our primary developmental tasks is to learn how to come into regulated states in an effective way. If, as young people, we don’t get much help in learning how to regulate, we will grow up with bodies and brains that struggle to cope with stress. We might pop into dysregulation easily, and it might take us awhile to come down and find regulation again.

The good news is, however, that even if you grew up in a chaotic environment and find yourself sensitive to stress, calm states can still be learned and practiced. It starts with noticing. In Somatic Experiencing therapy, you’ll often hear a practitioner suggesting that a client “notice” a particular feeling or sensation. We do this because noticing is the beginning of learning.

So, for yourself, next time you are feeling ease–relaxed, open, happy–notice it. Ask yourself–how is my body telling me I am calm? What do I feel in this state? What do I not feel? And enjoy it. Sink into your calm state. Once you feel you’ve enjoyed it, spend a moment noticing what preceded it. Did you go for a walk by the lake? Did you have a hot bath? Did you talk with an old friend, or spend some time with your pet? If you can notice your body’s pathway to calm, you can begin to more consistently use it.