Have you ever noticed that certain people just put you at ease? You can’t describe why, but their presence seems to just make to feel comfortable, calm and open. If you have, you’ve also likely noticed that some people have the completely opposite effect on you–with these folks, you feel on edge, uncomfortable in your skin, and you find them it to connect and communicate.

The process by which we ‘read’ and respond to others might seem mysterious, but it’s actually a very tangible and documented phenomenon. As mammals, we have been evolving for millennia together; our bodies are equipped to resonate with each other. So, not only do we ‘read’ each other, and assess for safety and connection–we actually fall into step, emotionally and physiologically, with the people with whom we share our lives. Our bodies start to mirror each other’s processes. Therapists call this ‘co-regulation’, and, once you understand it, it’s something you can start to intentionally use in order to support your health and wellbeing.

Co-regulation relies on the cues given by one central nervous system to another, so it can even happen between a person and a pet. Some common examples of the co-regulation reflex between people include: people menstruating at the same time as their colleagues, friends, roommates or family members; parents and caregivers having intuitions about their child’s needs or state, even when the child is miles away; or feeling emotion or sympathy pain in response to a friend telling a sad story.

I offer somatic therapy in Hamilton to individuals and couples, and the first task of any good therapy is to develop a strong alliance–a trusting and supportive bond between the client and the therapist. The signals of a good therapeutic alliance are very physical, and they are the signals of co-regulation. Clients say they feel less alone; their shoulders drop; their bellies relax; their breathing naturally deepens; their eyes become clearer and brighter. This is co-regulation in action. In Somatic Experiencing, this state is considered a huge resource–it’s the body signalling safety and calm.

So, how can you begin to use co-regulation intentionally in your life? The first step is noticing it. Notice, in particular, people around whom you feel warm, safe and comfortable, and notice how those feelings show up in your body. This will help you start to tune into the process. You might notice warmth in your chest, an ease of smiling, a feeling of openness in your upper body, a sense of calm. Then, you can intentionally seek out people and groups that produce this response in you. You will also start to notice more clearly when people stress you out, or fall into co-dysregulation with you.